My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
