I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Randomize
