all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
