she was so not down for the gang bang
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
