That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
You need a sexual gate keeper
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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