I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
