Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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