Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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