Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
So. Much. Porn.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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