I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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