anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
