Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
