Are we in a gay sports bar?
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Randomize
