It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
there is puke in my bra ... again
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
