I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
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