Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
