I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
then he tried to convert me to islam
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize