My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
