I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
