I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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