How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize
