Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
