Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
