I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
