I feel like I'm in dance class right now
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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