dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
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