I just pynch a tree in the face
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
