Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Just pee around me
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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