tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize