Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Terrible idea I love it
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
