the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
