i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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