I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
