her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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