The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
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