Well apparently he's into motor boating.
My liver just broke up with me...
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
