So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
