Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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