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shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
