i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
