Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
