i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
