Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
jump out the window naked night went bad
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
