Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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