Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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