My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Randomize