He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
