were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I want her autograph on my taint
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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