I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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