cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Randomize
