I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
