I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
