I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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