I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
