i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
