She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
