those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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