I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
