Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
